Bedtime can be a difficult time for children who struggle with separation anxiety. While it is natural for children to seek comfort, an over-reliance on a parent’s presence can hinder the development of independent sleep skills. The “Excuse Me” Drill is a gentle yet structured method to help children build confidence in falling asleep on their own.
Understanding the Psychology Behind Separation Anxiety at Bedtime
When children with separation anxiety face bedtime, the nervous system interprets being alone as a potential threat. This triggers the fight-or-flight response, flooding the body with stress hormones that make sleep nearly impossible. The child isn’t being difficult—the brain is genuinely convinced that safety depends on keeping the caregiver nearby. The “Excuse Me” Drill works because it gradually rewires this anxiety response through repeated positive experiences. Instead of forcing independence all at once (which can increase anxiety), this method builds trust incrementally.
Why This Approach Is So Effective
- It Creates Predictable Reassurance: The consistent phrase “Excuse me, I need to step out” becomes a reliable signal that departure is temporary, not permanent. Children learn to associate these words with brief, safe separations rather than abandonment.
- It Builds Trust Through Repeated Success: Each time the caregiver leaves and returns as promised, a deposit is made in the child’s “trust bank.” These small victories accumulate, gradually convincing the nervous system that being alone is safe and temporary.
- It Honors the Child’s Need for Control: Rather than surprising children with sudden departures, caregivers announce their intentions. This predictability helps anxious children feel more secure because they know what to expect.
- It Teaches Self-Soothing in Manageable Doses: By returning before the child becomes truly distressed, caregivers provide opportunities for children to practice staying calm during brief moments of independence—without overwhelming their coping abilities.
For Children with Severe Separation Anxiety: Start with Daytime Practice
If your child experiences intense separation anxiety, do not wait until bedtime to introduce this concept. Begin practicing the “Excuse Me” drill during calm daytime moments when your child is engaged in independent play or quiet activities.
Start with departures as brief as stepping into the next room for 10-15 seconds while they’re coloring or playing with toys. This daytime practice helps them learn that “excuse me” really means you’re coming back, building their confidence when the emotional stakes are lower. By bedtime, the phrase and process will feel familiar rather than frightening.
Building Self-Soothing Skills: The Foundation for Independence
Before implementing the “Excuse Me” Drill, it’s especially important for anxious children to have independent coping tools readily available. Consider incorporating a family wind-down routine that includes calming activities children can do independently, deep breathing exercises, progressive muscle relaxation, or quiet mindfulness practices. When families practice these together during those precious few minutes before bed, they are not only creating connection but also ensuring children have self-soothing skills to draw upon during brief separations.
For children with severe separation anxiety, clinicians may recommend starting this practice during calm daytime moments first. Brief “excuse me” departures while the child is engaged in independent play help them learn the pattern when emotional stakes are lower, building confidence reserves for nighttime implementation.
This preparation is crucial because anxious children need to know they have strategies to manage feelings during moments of separation. When they have practiced calming techniques with caregivers, they are more likely to use them successfully independently.
The Gradual Process: From Presence to Independence
This method’s effectiveness lies in its incremental approach. Caregivers begin by simply reducing direct involvement while staying in the room, perhaps standing instead of sitting, or quietly organizing rather than providing constant attention. This helps children adjust to having less focused presence without the added stress of complete absence.
As comfort grows, brief departures are introduced that start with just seconds and gradually extend to longer periods. The key is reading the child’s anxiety levels and progressing at their pace, not a predetermined timeline. Some children may be ready for 5-minute departures within a week, while others may need several weeks to build up to even 1-2 minutes.
For Clinicians and Caregivers
Sleep is fundamental to physical and mental health, but for anxious children, traditional sleep advice often fails because it doesn’t address the underlying fear driving their behavior. The “Excuse Me” Drill is a valuable resource because it treats separation anxiety as a legitimate concern while still moving toward the goal of independent sleep.
When explaining this technique to families, emphasize that progress isn’t always linear. Some nights may feel like setbacks, especially during times of stress or change. The key is consistency with the approach, not perfection with the timeline. By understanding the psychological principles behind why this works (e.g., building trust, creating predictability, and honoring the child’s emotional needs) caregivers can implement this strategy with confidence and patience.
The ultimate goal is to give your child confidence to fall asleep independently, but equally important is helping them develop a secure sense that caregivers are reliable and trustworthy. This foundation serves them well beyond bedtime, building resilience they’ll carry into other challenging situations throughout their lives